Six Days til my Life Begins...

My gosh, i haven't posted anything in forever!!
Well the wedding is in six days. i really can't believe it's only six days away. i am more happy than words can express. i love that boy more than anything in the world.

Some very interesting news though, in 6 days, i will also be the wife to a sailor in the U.S. Navy. yup, Seth joined the Navy!!! i'm very nervous, obviously, but at the same time i'm inredibly excited. we're going to get to travel SO much and experience so much that's it's INSANE. i'll finally live on the beach, like i've wanted to my entire life. i can go to school somewhere that has marine biology. i can pursue my dream, as he pursues his. My God is SUCH a big God. I'm going to try to keep this blog as updated as i possibly can. i'll post pictures of the wedding, also (: night lovies <3

Future

my life is about to get a lot more interesting.

i will be married in three months to the most wonderful man i've ever met and i couldn't be happier. he's incredible. i wish i could be half the person he is.

i'm so jealous of him. he's so talented and i will never understand how he doesn't see it. he walked into the ctc and got 3 roles practically handed to him. three MAIN roles. i've been trying to get a lead for 5 years and i can't manage it. sometimes i find myself resenting him. but i shouldnt. he's my fiance. i just wish i could have half the talent he has. i'm so in love with him.. and i want him to be happy.. i just don't get it. why can't i succeed.. why am i not good enough.

and on top of me having TERRIBLE self-esteem, i am now going to be an aunt in august. my seventeen year old twin sister is pregnant. right around the time of my wedding. and my 18th birthday. so now i'm not sure how any of that is going to turn out. or if anyone is going to know i'm around anymore other than Seth.

i just wish i could make something of myself. i wish i could be someone. i wish i could show everyone who ever thought i wouldnt make it, that they were wrong. but i can't seem to. i don't know if i should give up, or keep trying. but i'm so sick of failing.. so sick of it..

Christmas Time

ya know, it's so odd. last year i was happy it was Christmas, but it didn't matter to me either way. i got my presents, and went about my merry little way.

this year is different.

this year, i'm with my entire family. grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and now this year, my amazing fiance. the christmas presents are piled high, and we're all sitting around the house laughing and having a great time.

i honestly can't remember the last time i was this happy. and now like i'm happy every now and then.. i mean, i am truly and constantly happy. i'm excited about the presents, sure, but i'm more excited about spending christmas morning in the arms of the man i will be marrying in three months, and with my family, who i love more than anything in the world.

i remember watching the adults when i was little, and wishing i could sit at the table or on the couches with them and drink coffee and chit chat... and this year, i have that. and it's so weird. i'm still a child, but it's like i've stripped the layers off that hide adulthood from children, and i'm peaking in, waiting to be invited to sit down. i'm not a kid anymore. i'm a person now.

I Can Feel It.

the way i used to feel all the time.. it's starting to come back. i thought i was past all of this. i thought i was ok.. but i'm not. i refuse to let myself hit rock bottom again. a person should only do that once in their life. Twice is not ok.

I don't wanna feel like this. I'm getting married in three months. i should be the happiest person alive. and don't get me wrong, he's my word and i would never want anyone else, but i'm so lonely.

i feel like no one wants me. like all anyone knows me for is the stuff i've messed up.

i'm more than that. i'm more than the stupid mistakes i've made in the past. i'm more than the crap i've f*cked up. but no one remembers the good stuff i've done. no one remembers the good things i've done for people, and how i stood up for them and was there when everyone else decided to walk away. no one cares about that. everyone just remembers the bad.

i'm sure this is just a phase. this is just me throwing myself a pity party. and i'll live.

i always do.

Thoughts

It's been a heck of a week.

But it's almost over. And he's finally home. he's back for a whole month and i honestly couldn't be happier. I have never been so  mad for a boy in my life and i'm so happy that i get to be the one he marries.

I'm sitting in our house watching The Help with him. He's very drugged up an incoherent at the moment, but I'm just happy to be with him. I've never missed someone so much in my life as i did this week.

But anyway, I've decided i want to start writing again. Like, really writing. I want to write a book. A real book about real things. but i have no idea where to start. i've had writers block for a good half a year and i don't know what to do or where to begin.

My thoughts seem to be really out there today. I'm just kinda writing whatever pops into my head today. i'm on medicine and i'm stressed and i can't seem to put my thoughts together worth anything today.

thank you for reading my rants (:  

Time for a Recap

OK, so here's my day;

my mother decided to let me drive to Knoxville, because Seth was by himself in a hospital after surgery, so at 2:15 me and my sister packed up our things and headed for Knoxvegas. it was a nice relaxing drive for the most part, other than me being anxious about seeing him. Me and Brooke just got to chill, which is something we rarely ever do.

So i get to the hospital at 4:30, and walk as quickly as i can to the building (we had to park in some creepy as heck parking garage. bleh.) i get up to his floor, walk to his room, and all of a sudden i can't go in. i'm about to cry, because it hits me. i'm visiting my fiance in his hospital room. something i've never had to do. it was just weird. i knew he was going to be ok, but it still scared me more than anything.

we hung out in his room and he rested and we talked and napped a little, while my sister laid on a couch by the window and slept for almost 2 hours. yeah. 2. the nurse finally discharged him, and brock came to drive him back to the dorms. me and seth went outside his dorm building and talked for a little bit, and hung out for a while, but it was 8 o'clock and i had to start making the 2 hours trek back to Chattanooga. we said our goodbye's and we were on our way again.

The drive home was more stressful than anything during the day. it was pouring down rain in the dark on highway 75. we got off on exit 49 and decided to take a little detour home. Seth said it was quicker and slower, so that was what i needed to do.

I swear to God i thought we were going to get raped and eaten. i mean, this area is where Stephen King must've gotten his ideas for half his novels. this was what horror movies were made of. there wasn't even pavement on the road. just potholes and cement. no lines. no nothin. and we were alone.

After coming out of the middle of frickin nowhere, we finally got on a road i recognized. the rest of the drive was pretty uneventful. i drank a Redbull to keep me awake, since i was running on right around 3 hours of sleep.

I couldnt be happier to be off that got forsaken road, but i miss Seth a lot already, and i've only been gone for two hours. hopefully he'll be home thursday, but i'll see him friday at the latest.

time for some well deserved sleep (: good night my love's

My Wake Up Call

i woke up to a text this morning at 3:29 from Seth. all it said was "baby wake up" and then he sent another (when i didnt wake up, of course) that said "baby please..."

Well that automatically worried me. something is always wrong when he texts me like that.

i texted him back, with no reply. i waited. still nothing. texted him again.. again, nothing. i'm starting to get really worried at this point, because he never just doesn't text me back. i eventually start to drift off again, and as soon as i'm about to go under, my phone yells "DROID" telling me i have a text. i sat up quick as i could and opened it. the next four words stopped me dead in my tracks and i couldnt move.

"I'm in the hospital"

what?! hospital?! what the hell happened?! a hundred thousand questions raced through my head. he wasn't texting back again so i kept on. he was sending short, one word texts. i knew he was bound to be in pain since he doesn't really text like that. i asked him if i need to drive up there (he is in Knoxville for school 3 days a week. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.) he said, "No. it's raining." i told him i didnt care and i was worried and wanted to be up there, and he sent me a smiley face and said "i'll be fine love".

he stopped texting back after that. i figured maybe a doctor was in the room or he was sleeping. well i start to drift off, once again, and right before i hit some good sleep, my phone rings. i thought it was him, and i jumped over to my phone. it was an 865 number. now i'm no good at figuring out area codes, but i just knew it was a knoxville code. i answered it and heard a lady on the other line. "hello? is this brittney?"

fuck. it's the hospital.

i talked to the nurse for a minute, and she informed me that Seth was going to be going into surgery, and he gave the doctors permission to contact me. he has a testicular torsion. basically, one of his testicles is twisted. now sure, he's not dying. but he's going into surgery 100 miles away from me and he's completely alone. and scared. and so am i.

i got off the phone with the nice nurse, and ran upstairs to my mom almost in tears. i told her what was happening and she sat me down and prayed for him then told me to go try and get some sleep.

yeah i don't foresee sleep happening anytime soon, but who knows? miracles happen.

that's basically where i am right now. sitting in my bed at 7:08 a.m tuesday morning worrying about my soon to be husband who is probably in surgery right now. i'll keep everyone posted <3